Crystal

I want to be
snowed in. Frozen nature
trapped outside
my bubble of artificial comfort.
You can
share my warmth
because without each other
we don’t mean
very much.

I didn’t take you
seriously before.
The night you laid my head
down, gently as
a Faberge.
You blamed yourself for me
being in a state.
It was my birthday,
We should have known better.
Piles of paper
strewn in our nest,
and December was firmly shut
out.


I want to be able to
remember but when I strain to think
what happened
I get a hangover and screaming cramps in
my eyes.
I know it was
important to you, You must have
been so gentle
because I hardly felt the pillow
pressed against
my cheek.
I think you were
already crying, Even then
I didn’t know why. But the radiator
hummed with...


I asked you what was wrong,
Pushing, a Faberge
rock.
Was I sitting up straight?
Did I look into your grey eyes? My eyes
didn’t work,
They swam around
in my head
but I remember the laughing from
downstairs,

Banging against the tension in our lungs,
heartbeats with the music.

I feel sorry for you, comprehending the time
that actually passed
between your gentle soothing
and my persistent pounding for answers.
You were crying now,
the moment you said it. I don’t
remember you saying the words but I
know that you did
because life changed.

No motorway covered the distance
between us.
You were the furthest away anyone
could possibly be.
And I slurred and I laughed
and I babbled and I snorted and I was the

troll that shat on the fairytale.


You remember what I said but you will
never tell me.
That filthy moment is trapped
in ice,
A stagnant brown tinge in the centre of
Crystal.
You won’t tell me what I said
but it let December in.
You went out and the cold came in.
You’d knocked on
my ribcage but I had passed out.

Comatose,

emotionless,

brittle as bark.


I lay awake like that, Waiting for you to
come back,
Waiting for me to come back,
Straining for those lost moments. It
might have been hours,
It might have been days,
It could have been my entire lifetime
Before your
frozen palms pushed on my
door.

I tried to say sorry, I was crying vodka
tears.
But there were no more words to say
And I think you fell
asleep.


Winter brought our
saddest,
most perfectly repugnant moment to us.
But mine is lost
and you won’t share yours.
Maybe it makes me happy
To know that you meant it.
And you won’t spoil it.
I can imagine my crystal moment and you
will keep
The cracked and tainted, Fractured and
chipped,
Splintered and cutting moment with you.
Maybe that’s how I know
That I love you too.


But I wish it had
snowed on my birthday
And we’d been trapped inside together.
I can’t take it back now
it’s been forged in the cold.
But if I could I’d make you a new crystal.
A sparking, twenty four carat treasure
That you could carry around and be
happy to share.
I wish we were snowed in together
And I could craft you the world.